Author: Dana Allen PhD

My favorite chore is folding laundry, followed closely by ironing. I know it’s crazy, but I think it is because I get so much satisfaction from the pile of neatly stacked, pressed, clean clothes. Unlike the fabulous dinner that is eaten right away or the floor that inevitably needs to be vacuumed again, I like seeing the product of my work.

My children like that too – not laundry, but seeing the fruit of their effort. It is why we make stuff together (besides the obvious life-skills, eye-hand coordination, STEM concept development, creative outlet, and mentorship involved.)

At the end of our work today, we sat back and admired the tangible progress we’ve made on our project. Each thing we build is a little neater, straighter, and sturdier. It is so gratifying. The joy will be even more so because we are working on presents.

Congratulations! You and your child created something and there was so, so much learning and bonding involved. You will have the product to admire and use and share. Well done.

We built together.

Sometimes it is important to shake things up. We had friends who taught us about Pajama Ice Cream Runs (a surprise trip to get cones AFTER bedtime!) The memory of those rare treats is as precious decades later as it was on those giggly nights.

This is a difficult season. Routines and schedules are in the toolbox that gets us through. But we mustn’t forget that surprise and silliness are super valuable as well. Though counter-intuitive, you might even need to plan for a little chaos.

Today you were spontaneous. You haven’t lost control (or your mind!) But instead, you chose to go with your gut and take a happy break from the agenda. You’ll get back to it soon, you probably need to – but you’ll be better for the respite.

We ditched the schedule.

Many conflicting things about parenting are true. Our roles are so complex. Whether in a struggle over a behavior or in board game – winning and losing can be complicated. We have to constantly ask ourselves: “What is needed?” “What happens next?” “What is the deep learning here?”

It is super important to “win” – to get our way, to follow through firmly, to hold to a standard… But it is also vital to “lose” – to back down, to give in, to admit we were wrong, to listen and adjust graciously.

In a tricky struggle you prevailed. In another conflict you yielded. This is the way it should be. Both were important. Winning, as a parent, sometimes means losing. You are doing right in striving for this balance.

  I won. I lost.

Why is it that the color and taste are so much more vibrant when things are really fresh?

Maybe it is the wait – the anticipation grown from tending spindly little sprouts, of enduring the tease of green tomatoes and berries, of hoping for a bigger squash. Maybe is it the pride of accomplishment – being a part of the whole process. Maybe it is the feeling of cheating – like getting something for nothing. Maybe it is because we get to eat things at their exact peak. Or maybe our garden is just the best.

Today we had the darkest, fattest blueberries (the very few the birds couldn’t get to) and the reddest cherry tomatoes wrapped in the greenest basil leaves. Tomorrow we will make pesto and Caprese from the abundance. The berries, sadly, are gone.

In sharing the freshest food – from your pots, yard, farm, or market – you’re teaching and encouraging delicious health. This is a great gift. You should get a sticker.

We had a snack straight from the garden.

Today, actually, they made ME wait. I picked up my adult son from work and, just as I got there, he texted that something had come up and he wasn’t out for another hour. It was tricky for me.

Were it not for the lifetime of practice in taking turns with grace, explaining consideration, learning from tons of mistakes, building our relationship based upon mutual trust… I would have been unnecessarily ugly. Truth? It still took some effort.

You are in the midst of parenting young ones; their needs feel urgent (especially to them!) But you wisely took a deliberate pause, a measured breath, made a firm and kind request for “just a moment”. You are finding balance and teaching balance at the same time. You can boast of your successes in this. This is vital parent work.

I made them wait.

A friend posted this week that she felt as though her school decision was a choice between her kids’ physical health and their mental health.

That’s impossible. That’s real.

And yet, you are doing it. You are the mom – you are the dad. You move forward even when it seems insurmountable, hopeless, bleak. These are the trenches of parenting.

You will figure this out. You will come to a decision that is best for your family. You will pay the cost – in pennies, hours, exhaustion, unasked for comments… You will adjust and adapt. You will do it.

Your kids will figure this out. They will settle into your decision because they trust you. They may pay as well – in being stretched, in frustration, in uncomfortable change… But they will reap too – in growth and strength and learning you cannot now imagine. They will do it!

So breathe. Remember how well you know your kiddoes. Be kind to yourself. Listen. Share. Hold plans loosely. Do the next, Right thing. And remind yourself:

I’ve got this.

Our family has developed several music playlists over the years. Most notably, there’s a “clean-the-house” hype, a “dance-party” jam, the “road-trip” set, and a “leave-mom-alone” warning loop. They are wildly varied and ever-evolving.

My moves aren’t pretty or particularly coordinated, but when a certain mood strikes or when it is called for (this is particularly effective in public) I lead the dancing. It’s silly and fun and generally shakes things up enough to reset the mood for the better. Heart, mind, body, and soul benefit.

Whatever works for you, for you and your children – you’ve chosen it at just the right moment – it is your dance. Great job parents – you’ve gotten through this bit together.

We danced!

Did you play by yourself? Did you play with your friends? Did you play as a family? Regardless, the decision to play communicates the value of the essential life skill of recreation. Your playfulness brings light, well-being, and fun to your life and to your family. Enjoy.

I played.

Trying is a part of learning. This can be hard work – for them and for you.

You play a big part in this process. Supporting their growth, development, and education may mean encouraging, waiting, helping, allowing… it means providing tools, space, time… The tension of a problem contributes to finding the solution.

Great job dad, great job mom – you set the stage so that they could approach a totally new experience with confidence. And whether or not they liked it, finished it, or rocked it – they took a risk and learned from it.

They tried it.

 

Congratulation moms and dads – you gave your kiddo the gift of exploration and experimentation to understand their world. Evidenced by filthy fingernails, holes in the pants, and pockets full of natural treasures – the learning packed in this busy, happy, dirty day is priceless. A perfect day ends with a bath.

They got super dirty!